We used to have a group chat, me and my friends. Sometimes they talked about big political thinkers and I stoped reading, I didn’t now what they were talking about anyway. My friends with two degrees because they couldn’t decide what they wanted to be. I didn’t even finish high school. It’s not because it was to hard, my teachers always said that I am smart, even my psychiatrist told my that.

I went to a bipolar group, we talked about why we stoped taking our medication. I was the only one who said “because I couldn’t afford it.”

Once I was a month after with rent. I paid the rent from the month before instead of the current months rent, that way I didn’t fuck up my life even more.

I grew up in middle class suburbia. I took riding lessons and we sailed every summer. Today I check my account before I buy bread. Which one is the cheapest option? The thing I miss the most is buying whatever groceries I want.

When I tell my parent that I’m fucked they don’t believe me, it’s not that hard to get a job. They don’t understand that there are too many people like me and not enough jobs for us.

I joke about life being like Jenny from the block but the other way around, but it’s not really a joke.

Me: makes list of things to do and not to do when hypomanic. Don’t drink coffee. Take it easy.

Hypomanic me: drink coffee 8 at night, clean everything, sew two T-shirts and one pair of pants.

I’m really depressed again. You know when you just can’t do anything. When doing the dishes feels like the hardest thing in the world. When you can’t put on your clothes because your arms won’t work and you just cry and cry and cry.

We always hear about the signs that he will hit you. He will be controlling and jealous.

But sometimes its that perfect guy. The feminist who stops talking to his friend when he finds out about the girls he assaulted. The guy who understands your feminist rants. The guy who only thinks it’s fun that you are going out with your friends or on a holiday without him. The guy even your friend who don’t trust any guys trusts.

Sometimes it’s that guy who puts his hands around your neck so you can’t breathe.

He put his hands around my neck and i couldn’t breathe.

I cried for three hours because i love him and i dont want to leave, and i know he wont leave because the first time he hit me i told him to leave. I threw his stuff in boxes and told him to leave for two days but he refused.

We are good again but when we hug i see his hands around my neck.

I asked him why he did it. He said he didnt know. That he didn’t mean it. That it was on accident. I asked him if he’s going to kill me some day.

And im depressed again.

But i have started a group thing for bipolar and my parents and boyfriend are starting a group for like family and partners to bipolar people, and im going to se my psychiatrist in a few days. So i guess there is some good things going on with my mental illness.

Whats up with this ”i/they have bipolar and depression” no shit you suffer from depression if you are bipolar??? Its a part of the disorder.

Also, stop calling bipolar bpd. Bpd is short for borderline personality disorder, not bipolar disorder.

I almost failed english in school and have been so mentally ill i cant work for like 8 years or something. So i have watched a lot of tv shows, now i can understand english almost as good as my native language but cant write, read or speak english. It feels kinda weird.

So i stoped taking my lithium. Have been off it for like 2-3 weeks now. I’m fine but wont be for long. That was a fucking stupid idea.

i have started seeing insects, when i look straight at them they disappear. A rag on the floor was moving. I know it isn’t real but it has given me anxiety. I’m afraid of telling someone. I’m afraid that it isn’t normal and i’m afraid that people are gonna laugh at me because everyone sees it sometimes.

“Wow i feel so good! The lithium is really working, i have to be on the right dose now!”

2 days later: Can’t sleep. So many thoughts coming so fast.

I’m definitely not on the right dose.

When i see pictures of boys kissing their girlfriends scars i think about his tears when he left me at the psychiatric hospital.

Or the time i was screaming so loud because he was holding me and didn’t let me hurt myself that the cops came.

I think of all the times he had to hide the kitchen knives.

I love you and i’m sorry for all the times my illness made me hurt you.

People are always saying that bipolar people are creative. I kind of hate it. When i’m depressed i don’t have any ideas and dont have the energy to be creative. When i’m hypomanic i can’t focus on one thing long enough and i can’t be still enough to be creative. I can only be creative when im not in a episode, i can only be creative when the disorder isn’t there.

diaryofasmallghost-blog asked: Tbfw everyone thinks you're on drugs but it's actually mental illness

“Are you taking drugs????” Mom a million times
“Did you take something?” Boyfriend
“Says shes not on drugs but she seems to be on drugs” psychiatrist

starting lithium today